Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

Happy Early Thanksgiving everyone!  It’s quiet tonight.  Chris is working.  The kids, exhausted from all the fun times with Mama and Papa, have fallen into their slumbered state.  My Dad “hit the hay” about an hour ago and my mom just did her wave with a  ”good-night, see ya in the morning.”  Per her orders, I was supposed to shut down this computer and head on to bed, myself.  But I can’t right now.  I am listening to that song that goes.. “it’s just another ordinary miracle today.”

Every day I face those ordinary miracles.  Miracles from the kicking of this precious child in my womb, to Josh and Will cleaning up the playroom on their own, to Emma Faye talking and walking about, to my own heart in the moments I actually find the patience to react in an appropriate way with my children.  All ordinary, yet miraculous.  I have so much for which to be thankful.

I spend way too much time focusing on the negatives and not the positives that is taking place, here in our home and in our hearts.  I’ve been fervently praying about so many things.  Gee, where to start?  Let’s see, the sell of our house, the purchase of a new one, our growing baby, delivery of our baby, the spiritual growth of our children, the spiritual leadership of my husband, schooling for our kids, patience and health for me, spiritual growth in MY heart… the list goes on and on.  Mom asked me tonight if I wished I were home-schooled.  I’ve never really thought about it.  It’s funny, even in all of this process with homeschooling Will and praying about what to do next year, THAT one thought has never occurred to me.  Mainly, because I honestly don’t think there is one BEST way to school.  I think there is a best way for your ONE child, and each one is different.  I pray individually and specifically for each one.  I’ve really felt the burden and pressure lately of being my child’s teacher.

However, I read something encouraging today.

All that God requires from any of us is a desire to serve him and a trust that he can make up the difference for the things we lack.  The Lord would have us know that he is the one ultimately in charge of our children.  He will use our willingness and our efforts, then fill in the gaps of our inadequacies, to prepare their hearts for what he has in mind. (Mission of Motherhood–Sally Clarkson)

Wow.  This has really watered my soul today and calmed my spirit.  I forget that Christ has plans in mind for my children.  HIS plans, not mine.  I simply, in faith  AND most often humility, need to take a step toward HIM in my pursuit of attempting to steer them in the right direction under the Holy Spirit’s guidance in my life.  I truly believe He will fill in the gaps of my inadequacies.  How can I believe this?  Because He’s already done it in so many ways.  My inadequacies have already played out all too frequently in their lives and God continues to amaze me by His forgiveness and the forgiveness I’ve received from my children.

Do I regret not being home-schooled?  Um, no.  Was going to school hard?  Yes, at times.  But so would have been homeschooling.  Nothing is perfect.  If it were, we wouldn’t need a Savior… daily.

This Thanksgiving season I am most thankful for that very truth.  My flaws and failures keep me needing Christ.  I pray that as I pray for my children and notice their flaws and shortcomings, I will be reminded it is those very inadequacies that God will use to place their hearts before His throne.  Grieve your mistakes briefly, ask for forgiveness, and then move on.  Our God makes ALL THINGS NEW!

I was driving home tonight from a get-to-gether with friends from church.  It was a perfect evening.  By perfect, I mean I felt completely myself and completely at ease.  Wow.  It’s been a long time.  But it takes a long time for me to really “find my place.”  I don’t really know why that is.  I suppose it’s because I’m not very adaptable.  I don’t think I was that “flexible” kid, even as a baby.  Change really rocks my world.  Today for instance, I had our entire day planned out in thirty minute increments.  We were on our way to pick up my mom from the airport when Chris called and said that her flight had been delayed.  WHAT!?

“What’s the matter with you?”  I can hear my husband responding to my sudden change in tone.

“Just let me go and get over it!”  I retorted.

I did just that.  I got over it… somewhat.  After spending nearly an hour at the airport and then another hour in traffic on the way home, I was pretty much SPENT!  Boy, do I HATE change in plans.

Anyway, tonight as I was driving home, I glanced up into the perfect clear night.  There in front of me stood the constellation Orion.  It’s really the ONLY one I can find.  (I know that’s pathetic.  I can’t even find the Little and Big Dippers, but I ALWAYS can find Orion.)  I just starred at it as I waited for my light to turn green.  Tears began to fill my eyes.  For the first time, I began to grieve our move in June.

How is this happening?  I remember right after we moved here from Charleston, every Sunday walking into Oak Mountain Church and sobbing because it wasn’t East Cooper.  I felt so homeless.  I longed for my “old church”  and all of my friends.  This place would NEVER feel like home to me.  Wow.  Tonight as I passed by Oak Mountain on my way home, the beautiful stone chapel and the illuminated sign, I began to cry.  Gosh, I’m going to miss this place.  I hate moving, God.  I hate it.  Why do we have to move.

Now, I know in my heart and mind that this will be a good move for us.  I’m just amazed at how God provided so richly for us in the short time we’ve been here.  I feel like I’ve known some of these women my entire life.  I have truly met some kindred souls.  I will miss the people of Oak Mountain and the friends I’ve made here.. dearly, and deeply.

Now having made it home, I got out of my car and looked up in the sky.  There he was again.  I remember as a child riding in the back of my parent’s car and staring up into the sky and dreaming about my life… about my husband.. if I would have kids… would I be a famous singer.. or songwriter?  Now a lot of those dreams have faces.  A lot of the unknown is clearly seen.  A lot of my dreams have changed.  My perspectives have changed.  Change can be good.  Changes for good ARE good– not easy, good.

In my heartbreak, I smiled up at Orion the Hunter. 

You haven’t changed a bit, my friend.  I thought to myself.  You haven’t changed since my Lord placed you right there in that same spot.  And you know what else, neither has my God.

There will always be a part of me that longs for consistency.  That cries out for Forever and Permanent.  A place that seeks to plant roots and remain.  Tonight, I realized this part of my heart is longing for an ever constant, never changing, forever Savior.  I have that.   I have that in Birmingham, and I’ll have that in Charleston.

I hate change.  I’m so blessed that wherever I go, whatever situation I’m in, my precious Jesus never changes. 

I realize that now, after noticing Orion.

There are three people presently talking to me this morning all at the same time and I choose to sit before this screen and blog.  I don’t make sense to myself.  Perhaps this is some form of coping mechanism I’m concocting to avoid losing my cool in front of them.  Perhaps this is just my procrastination to begin my day.  I don’t know why I’ve chosen 7:51 to begin procrastinating.  I mean, I’ve been up since 5am with Emma Faye.  Why?  Oh, because I heard screams that went something like, “Mommy, Mommy, I ready to get up!!!  Mommy, Mommy, I ready to get up!!  PLEASE MOMMY? Please!!!!”  How does she assume I’m up and I can hear her.  Has she figured out the whole “monitor concept?”  Maybe.

So I begin my Thursday.  Thursdays are the days of my week where I’m in the car juggling music class with Will and soccer with Josh.  It’s the day of the week Chris leaves the house by 5:30 and usually doesn’t return until after midnight.  I always seem to have a bad attitude on Thursdays.  But I’m praying through it this morning.  I want to see my calling as a mother simply that… a calling!  Not a burden.  Not an inconvenience. 

I’ve been reading an awesome book entitled, “The Mission of Motherhood” by Sally Clarkson.  It’s so convicting and challenging.  Something I need right now.  Her words are hard to hear, but words I need to absorb.  One truth I have been dwelling on this morning is what I read last night.  “whatever the Lord requires, He enables.”  Yes, I’m overwhelmed.  Yes, I feel like four children is impossible.  Yes, I feel like raising  a family and doing it well on my husband’s work schedule is beyond my means, but it isn’t beyond HIS.  He is my enabler and my supplier of everything I need.  Relish in this today, if nothing else.  Remember this truth.

That’s all my brain can process right now.  I hear all sorts of activity going on upstairs.  Hmm.. is it bad that I didn’t even realize everyone had left the kitchen and are now upstairs?  Oh well.  This is my life.  It’s what I’ve been called to right now in this season and I choose to accept it wholeheartedly and do the very best I can under Christ’s leadership.

And  my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  (Philippians 4:19)

I was recently listening to a clip of a song that I sang for our little Easter program at church.  It was a Laura Story song called, “Make Something Beautiful.”  I love how our worship leader re-arranged it.  He took a “bee-boppy” song and turned it into a beautiful ballad.  I love the words.   

when all I know to do is lift my hands to you.  take all of my life, all of my life and make somethin’ beautiful.

I think this song hits home with me because right now very much of my life seems a bit of a mess.  We’ve been sick with the flu.  I’m pregnant and have been dealing with morning sickness and fatigue and aches and pains.  Chris has been getting his future job situation in order.  We’ve been homeschooling.  We’re trying to teach our 2 year old how to act!  It’s just been ugly.  Ugly is a perfect word for it all.  Ugly is our day-to-day lately.  Ugly to the physical eye, I suppose.  But beautiful to Christ.  He’s doing a work in all of us.  How do I know this?  Because I find myself on my knees daily in need of Him.  Because I feel completely helpless and am looking for a Savior who is mighty to save.  I once thought this was a terrible place in which to reside.  I once looked upon my desperate need of Christ as my failure.  Lately, Christ has assured my heart this is exactly where He wants me; in desperation for Him.

I don’t think I’ve had a proper understanding of grace.  I think after all of these years, I’m finally skimming the surface of what grace truly means.  I want there to be reasons for hardships.  I want it to be some kind of punishment.  Because, then, I hold the outcome of events in my own hands.  If there are particular reasons for things, then I can avoid those things and steer clear of the hardships.  If I behave a certain way, I will reap rewards.  But I still reap rewards amidst my failures?  What is this?  How can this be?  I don’t deserve this.  This is grace.  I can’t earn it on my own.  I can only receive it.  It’s humbling.  The fact that Christ forgives me and seeks after me and heals me despite MY OWN EFFORTS is mind-blowing.  I think because I so often love Christ conditionally, I then think His love for me is the same.  It’s not. It’s steady, constant, the same today, tomorrow, as it was the day before.

I often feel like the sheep that’s gone astray.  I want to say, “Stop worrying about me.  It’s no use.  I’m just going to screw up again.”  But He leaves the 99 everytime and searches for his precious daughter.  Our Christ is a redeemer.  He heals the sick.  He frees the captive.  He redeems the broken.  He makes something beautiful out of the ugly.  He returns beauty from ashes.  What a great and awesome God we serve… a God of hope and restoration…  a God of promises kept!

I will restore to you the years that the locust have eaten. -Joel 2:25