Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

Today church was a bit of a disaster.  I decided to let Will come and sit with me in “big church”(as I used to call it growing up)… well.. he did great throughout the worship part.. but as the team began stepping down he began talking very loudly…”why are they going away!!???!!”…. I had passed him crayons.. pens… paper.. ANYTHING to keep him quiet.. to no avail.  Finally, both of us reaching our breaking points, we stepped out early.  I suppose he thought I was going to then take him to his Sunday School class.. instead we picked up Josh and headed out the door.  Major melt down… “Now I won’t learn ANYTHING today.”  he screamed right in the middle of the lobby.  “Yes, we can always learn… right now why don’t you learn how to control your impulse to yell and scream when you don’t have your way.”  I retorted and swiftly escorted him to the car.  That was church…. what a waste…. ummm, never a waste.

I know I’ve mentioned earlier in some of my posts that we are having a bit of a difficult spell here in the Pruitt household.  I just haven’t been able to “get it all together” this year.  I didn’t even do Christmas cards or photos….It was all just too overwhelming.  I wrote a letter and took a picture.. but getting them printed out and in the mailbox… well.. this year, I think I’m going to just post the letter on my blog….perhaps I’ll do a New Year’s card….. ok.. when did I get on that!  Basically, I’m just having a hard time.  I’ve been sad and angry and frustrated….this has been December for me…. and today as I sat listening to Angels from the Realms of Glory.. suddenly I had one of those “Was that God speaking to me?” moments.  No clearer did I hear spoken to my heart than…..

Your problem is not with your husband, or your children…….Your problem is with Me.

He is so right.  I’m struggling, to quote my dear friend…”living the life God has written out for me.”  While my life is FULL of all of the things I used to hope and dream about… there are still aspects I didn’t want… and those are the ones I’m struggling with.  Why would God put these things in my life?  I’ve been dumping my frustrations on my husband and my children all month.  I haven’t been turning to the Lord and “duking” it out with Him.  Am I afraid?  Aren’t Christians supposed to be happy and joyful?  Do I think God isn’t aware of my bitter heart?

I don’t have long to write today….I don’t really have any profound conclusions or lessons learned.  Only that I’ve been avoiding talking to the ONE I need to talk with most.  I am learning it’s ok to be upset with some of HIS choices for my life….but I need to take my frustrations to HIM.  What are you struggling with?  Are you giving it back to whom it belongs?  or are you taking it out on everyone else?  Our God gives and He takes away.  He takes away in love….. He has reasons… Go to HIM with your disappointments………..

Well, I’m about as tired as it gets right now.  I have no idea where to start and when to end with my list of “to do’s” until Christmas.  What was meant to be a fun trip with Chris and me has turned into somewhat of a disaster.  This week is nuts…. Chris is exhausted.. I’m exhausted…and I am supposed to be leaving tomorrow for Nashville and an Andrew Peterson concert at the Ryman…..my dad is supposed to be flying in tomorrow to keep the boys, yet due to fog there were no flights out of Florence (where he’s leaving from).. today and yesterday.. so I don’t even know if he’s going to make it…..I haven’t packed.. still trying to do Christmas shopping and wrapping and cooking….enough of my rambles… my list goes on and on.  Basically it’s left me in one of the most bitter moods I’ve had in a long time.  I’m just miserable….. and it’s Christmas for crying out loud!  I have everything I need… yet I need everything I don’t have.  I can’t stand discontentment…..it’s agonizing!  On top of all of this I’ve taken on this stupid idea to run my first 5k in Jan.  JANUARY of all months!!!  Who runs in January… it’s left me having to train on bitter cold days.. rain… once again miserable and I had no idea Chris’s schedule was going to be this tough this month.  ok.. didn’t I say I’d stop complaining…….

However, I went running this morning.  I was forced to run the indoor track which means I had to run the thing 33 times…boring.. BUT I did get a lot of thinking done.  I suppose that is what makes me bonkers.. I can’t think.  I’m a thinker…. I’m a writer..whether it’s silly blogs, or songs or poems… nonetheless.. I have a passion for putting my thoughts out on paper (well, computer)… putting them out in words… there.  I like to do this.. but I have to have time to THINK first.  I was looking out of the glass windows.. the rain was pounding….over and over I kept running by the same old puddles and traffic lights outside…..I kept asking myself “what are you doing?”

What AM I doing?  My life right now is like this silly race I’m running for.  Something I’VE decided to do and I’VE decided to make important… and I’VE decided to beat myself up about when I come up a little short. I carry so much extra around….so many more “responsibilities” other than the ones I’m called to: child of God, wife, mother, friend.  Instead I’m: perfect keeper of the house, wanting to be perfect keeper of her body, perfect gift giver, excellent cooker and meal planner, perfect blogger, funniest on facebook, perfect mother, somewhat ok wife, child of God.  There is quite an imbalance right now going on in my personal spiritual walk.  God is last right now on my list. No wonder things are the way they are.  I went tonight to seriously pray for some dear friends of mine and I found it difficult to come before God with a request… sort of like when you haven’t talked to one of your friends in a REALLY long time and need to ask them a big favor.  I hate when I feel that way.  So, I’m trying to crawl out from under the bed and make some changes.. which is why I am just posting this random entry tonight.  I have been waiting and waiting for something inspiring to write about.. but how can one be inspired when they are not drawing from the Well of inspiration?

So these are my thoughts.  I don’t want to be running this race out of obligation….I don’t want to begrudgingly do anything.  I want to run in joy.  I was listening to these words and they couldn’t have meant more to me today…”we will abandon it all for the sake of the call.. no other reason at all…..but the sake of the call.”  For no other reason than to be walking with God as I mother am I to mother.  I SO covet sleep….it’s hard when I hear people getting to “sleep in”…..I do not have that luxury.  My children get up early and rarely is Chris home to help out in that department.  but for the sake of the call.. the call to be a mom…. I continue, tired.  It’s not my ’punishment’ for something I’ve missed along the way in my parenting…but my call.  And it’s good enough if all I can do right now is just be a mom and a wife and a child of God and a friend…..for the sake of the call.. the call to live a Godly and pure life…it’s ok.. I need no reason or excuse as to why I do nothing else.  So tonight I’m praying I can embrace these things… they are so hard for me… by no means am I saying I’ve mastered ANY of them… but for the sake of the call I continue and try.  I run one more lap…..or I walk a lap until I can muster up enough to finish….and I MUST finish running.. otherwise what’s the point.  Why run and then slack off?  Finish your race RUNNING and I’ll keep trying to finish mine.

Where has this month gone?  Seriously… can someone tell me because I have no idea where it went.  I came back from Thanksgiving break and now I’m sitting here 12 days before Christmas.  It’s crazy.  This week has been crazy… and being that it’s half-way through the month, I’m going to say this MONTH has been crazy!  It feels good to sit down tonight and write.  aaahh… I missed my ‘deep thoughts’ therapy sessions. 

“When your son asks you in time to come, saying, ‘what do the testimonies and the statutes and the judgments mean which the Lord our God commanded you?’ then you shall say to your son, ‘We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, and the Lord brought us from Egypt with a mighty hand.  Moreover, the Lord showed great and distressing signs and wonders before our eyes against Egypt, Pharaoh and all his household; He brought us out from there in order to bring us in, to give us the land which He had sworn to our fathers.’  So the Lord commanded us to observe all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God for our good always and for our survival, as it is today.”  (Deuteronomy 6:20-24)

I don’t know about you, but there are certain times when I read a word from the Lord and it could not be more perfect for the current season or day I am having… and for me, this was one of those passages.  I’ve been struggling this month.  Chris has been working A LOT of nights….we finally sorted out all of our “school issues”.. Emma Faye (I think and hope) is teething again and has been nearly unbearable most days of December….I haven’t felt that great.. Josh has been getting up WAY earlier than usual.  It’s just been like that for weeks now.  I think I’ve used the phrase “I’m just DONE!”  about eight hundred times.  Ok, I think I’ve made my point.  However, I was really touched by this scripture.

I was due a reminder of who my God is.  I needed to be reminded that the God I serve has mighty hands….he performs great wonders….He is true to His word…He keeps his promises…He goes before me…  had I forgotten?

He brought us out from there in order to bring us in……

Where have YOU been taken from?  Sometimes I feel like God has removed me as far as possible from all friends and family.  Like I’m out here on this island…..Some weeks, I feel like He takes my husband away….He replaces my precious children with these ungrateful complainers….like the Israelites.. I, too, feel alone and out in a wilderness, at times and in a land that is not my home.  But for some reasons which we may NEVER know this side of heaven.. there sometimes happens to be a desert between where we are and where Christ is bringing us.  Perhaps there is an ocean.  Why?  I don’t know if it really matters.  Why would it?  Our God has already parted the Red Sea….He moves mountains… He established this world we live in….He placed a child in a virgin’s womb…a Savior….”for nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37).  Why am I still asking, “Why Me?” in difficult circumstances?

I think of all of the times Christ has brought me out of despair.  In college, there was a time I was hanging around THE WRONG group of people.  It was painful leaving them… they were the only friends I knew at the time… but God had gone before me and had others waiting for me… those that would build me up in Christ.  It was hard following God’s call as I married Chris and left my Nashville home to live in the foreign city of Charleston….but God once again had gone on ahead and had the friends waiting.  I recall I was miserable in the beginning… it all was so new and uncomfortable… but now it is for THOSE friends I long to see.  And in ALL of those difficult times, Christ’s bringing me out…. was bringing me IN…closer to Him. He fed me daily manna and water from His word.  I learned to rely on Him completely in those lonely times during residency.  I am learning that being close to Jesus is priceless and worth the cost.  He is “for our good always”.  ALWAYS.  He never fails.  I need to hear that every now and then.  I need to know my God never fails and that He has already walked this path that I am on….and it IS leading me somewhere and it IS bringing me in to a better place, and it IS for my good……it always is for our good.

Be encouraged my sweet friends…though at times we can barely see enough to make our next step in our walk called “life”….Remember….we are being led by a mighty hand.

I love all of our little car conversations.  Today is Monday.. and Mondays are not my favorite.  Today’s agenda includes laundry and cleaning up the playroom…. also keeping the house as silent as possible so Chris (who worked all night).. can sleep… anyhoo….just wanted to post our little conversation in the car.. so sweet and profound….

Josh:  “Mommy, what does God look like?” Before I could answer…….

Will:  “He looks like love.”

(where does he get this stuff from.  I tell you what….Will is my “deep thought of the day” man.)

Dear Heavenly Father, use Will’s bright mind to serve you and bring you glory.  Amen.

This morning Will leaned over to me at the breakfast table and whispered a “secret” in my ear.

“Mommy, let me tell you my dream.  Last night I dreamed about Winnie the Pooh.  We were sitting in Rabbit’s vegetable garden and we were eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”

Last night I dreamed someone was physically attacking me.  Aaaahhh… to be a kid again, eh?  Where’s my happy dreams………..