Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

Well, you will not find “chipper” Jenny tonight.  I’m having an incredibly difficult day today.  Actually, I can’t believe that I’m blogging tonight.  But, I think I need to.  I need to gather my thoughts.  Perhaps I may find some perspective somewhere in the dark abyss of my emotional state at this moment.

Today, the strangest thing happened to me.  I don’t know where this thought or story came from… I didn’t dream it…I am NOT calling it a vision—too weird…. I didn’t sit and decide I was going to create a story…. I didn’t see something on TV or anything like that.  The only thing I know is that this morning I was reading in Colossians and I was stopped at 2:14 for a LONG time:

“having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” 

I went to the gym and as I began working out on the elliptical machine… the following filled my mind…..

 It was a gloomy, cloudy and cold day, much like today was in Birmingham.  I was out walking in what appeared to be a field when all of a sudden I heard a voice calling for me.  I looked ahead to see if I could spot the person calling, but a dense fog  precluded my vision and it was as if a cloud had descended on the field.  However, I continued to walk in the direction until I was stopped by an enormous canyon.  I called back that I couldn’t cross, but the voice told me there was a bridge to my right and sure enough through the mist, I spotted a slender wooden beam.  Now, for some reason I wasn’t afraid of walking this narrow plank… I remember I couldn’t see the bottom of the canyon, but I continued to walk…hands outstretched on each side of me… balancing with all of my might.  I had walked a good bit when suddenly my foot slipped and I found myself clinging on all fours.  I could hardly see a thing at this point… the fog was horrible!  But I kept hearing the voice, so I continued on.  I was feeling my way along the wood… and as I was feeling I felt what seemed to be little tacked papers.  As I looked closer, I realized they were nails and these nails held attached to the bridge little papers with words.  The beam was slender,  so they formed somewhat of a line… as I slowly maneuvered over them I was able to read a few:  “guilt” “abandonment” “anger” “fear”…..several pages had curse words on them….I heard the voice instructing me to beware the lies…He advised I continue on…Still on all fours I pressed on feeling my way with my hands…I got a few splinters along the way as I climbed over and around papers with “unfit mother” “horrible wife” “ugly”…I was losing my momentum… I was being distracted by these images….suddenly I fell but was able to catch myself… what was this.  Something extended from the side of this bridge…. Oh wait… and there is one on the other side… I get it… it’s a cross… I’m on the cross!  I begin frantically feeling around for Jesus… Jesus where are you?  I begin to hear voices calling from below… they are yelling up at me all of those words and phrases on those pages… I can’t hear the voice I was following anymore… I’m desperately feeling around for Jesus… I continue a little forward and am stopped on the final page “unworthy of salvation”.  Paralyzed by what I now believe to be truth, I weep.   The voice is telling me to get up.  I yell back that I can’t.  I tell Him to go away.  It’s not worth it. I could hear nothing but the voices below and suddenly in a loud crash of thunder, they were silenced and I felt two hands grab on to mine.  I am lifted up and placed on the edge of this beautiful countryside.  It was Jesus.  I looked back and the cross with all the writing on it fell into the crevice.“How will I get back across?” I ask.“You won’t.  Why are you always going back to the cross and looking for me there amidst your pain.  I’m not there anymore.  The cross is gone and I have freed you of your sins ‘having nailed them to that cross.’  You belong over here, with me.  Free of those chains that keep you clinging for your dear life.” 

So now, maybe all of you will think I’m a little psycho.  I hesitated about including that story..but it was just so perfect for me this morning and even more so tonight.  I strap on about a garbage truck full of lies and junk on my back when I can’t get my act together.  When we have months like this month.  I wear chains of guilt around my ankles because the kids have been watching a lot of TV lately.  I tie a bag around my waist that is full of a list of everything I didn’t get accomplished around my house.  There are chains on my wrists because I ate too many sweets or I didn’t exercise. There is a collar around my neck because I haven’t  been cooking healthy meals for my family– if I even managed to cook at all!  And the most horrible thing are the days I cage myself in and am completely paralyzed because I truly believe I am an unfit mother and a horrible wife.  I walk around caring all of these things and being miserable.  I make everyone around me miserable…. and all of this is against the truths of Christ.

“If the Son makes you free.. you are free indeed.” John 8:36

So often I hear the phrase “look to the cross… go to the cross…”  And yes!!!  LORD KNOWS I need a reminder of my deep depravity and all that Christ did for me… but sometimes… I feel like we stay there.  We stay there staring up at all of our sin.  Viewing the depth of our ugliness, weeping  all the while clinging to the cross.  Sometimes I think I forget that Jesus isn’t there anymore.  It is finished.  If I believe in Christ, and in who He says He is… that He was God and came to earth…He was without sin… He died on the cross and on the third day rose again, and through Him I may be cleansed and receive eternal salvation…. Shouldn’t I be able to move past this… shouldn’t I be standing on the other side?   Why do I NOT “draw near WITH CONFIDENCE to the throne of grace, so that [I] may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”(Hebrews 4:16) I have a lot of praying to do.  I am freed… I want to live freed.  It’s like Jesus is standing in my kitchen offering to take all of my baggage off of my hands… can I give it to him?  Do you have baggage?  Is he offering to take it off of YOUR hands?  Will you give it to Him?  Remember He has already  “taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”  It’s gone people… we don’t need to go there again!