Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

I have to tell you.  I’m discouraged.  I don’t really know why.  My husband is home.  The kids and I are feeling better.  I’m just tired and discouraged.  I sit and read my bible and nothing.  I pray..nothing.  I sit down at my piano…perhaps I need to write….nothing.  I pull out my guitar…nothing.  Nothing..yet I feel deep stirrings inside.  I feel like I have a lot to say.  I feel like I want to say a lot to God.  I want to hear a lot from Him.  Still nothing. 

I struggle through these “dry” spells.  I’m always confused as to what the Lord wants me to learn… wants me to do.  Is there sin in my life I have yet addressed?  As of tonight.. I have no idea why it feels as though God has somewhat distanced himself.  As I was playing my guitar today I was reminded of a song I wrote a VERY LONG time ago…I’ve never recorded it…(don’t really know why because of all my songs on guitar it’s my favorite musically speaking…)  The Lord really gave me a sweet moment today.   It was almost time to pick Will up from school…Josh was happily working on a puzzle on the floor and Emma Faye was playing with her little soft blocks beside him.  I was able to sing and play this song in it’s entirety.  It represents sort of where I am right now….and was an encouragement.  I pray perhaps these words will encourage you as well.

                “I’ll Wait” –jenny pruitt

The Lord is my light and my salvation

whom shall I fear

why, God you are my life

Though my enemies advance

I trust your plans

and hold Faith’s hand in mine

(CHORUS)  I want you to know

 I’m staying here with you

and I will be strong and wait for you, Lord

I’ll wait, I’ll wait

sometimes things can get so hard

too hard it seems

and I’m consumed by need

that’s when my heart cries seek His face

so your face I’ll seek

but don’t hide that face from me

(chorus)

without faith it is impossible to please you

I must believe you are the life, the truth and the way

for the one who calls is faithful

and He will do it…..He will do it

So for now I’ll rest in thee,

in thy love,

and in thy beauty

show me where to meet my sin,

to forget and forgive,

and fall in your mercy

(chorus)

I have absolutely no idea what I have to write about.  Ususally when I sit down at my computer… i have something on my heart that I really feel like the Lord wants me to share…but…ummm.. nothing.  It’s times like these that I like to be quiet before my Savior.  I like to listen.  I like to read His word.  I don’t like to even try to think up anything to say to him.  So that’s me tonight.  I suppose I’m recharging.  I had a crazy day today.  Emma Faye wouldn’t let me put her down.  It was driving me nuts.  Will and Josh played extremely well in the playroom that at one point I had to go up there and see what the matter was… I mean… it was like “the calm before the storm”…you know.. a little too quiet for anyone’s good.  Well, they were quiet in the playroom because they weren’t in the playroom… they were in the bathroom…. Will was teaching Josh how to wipe himself after going poo-poo.  I will spare you the details, but whatever you are conjuring up in your mind…it was worse than that. 

’round of baths everyone… on the house.

Will keeps wanting medicine for his ‘cops’ (really coughs…that’s just for some reason how he says it)….and Josh, wanting medicine along with his brother, will be amazed, should he ever ask for a sip of some orange Gatorade, at the uncanny resemblance in taste it has with children’s motrin. (Hey, guys, I’ve got to get creative here…the child will meltdown at the drop of a hat… if he’s ok with his little teaspoon of “medicine”…so am I.)

Lastly, I must give a shout out to the Pops of the house.  Around 5pm I allow one of the boys to go upstairs and wake their daddy up.  Chris keeps threatening one day to have the boys wake ME up..(apparently he is implying that this process isn’t the most gradual of stirrings..)  Anyway… we are both a little like zombies walking around and somehow our children are overpowering us.  We are outnumbered and it is beginning to show.  Here are some examples why I am realizing this:

1.  The other day I was wiping Josh’s hands after bible study with this sanitizer wipe in the car.  “What’s that mommy” Josh asks.  “It’s a little wipey for your hands to clean them,”  I ‘mommily’ reply with a smile.  “No, Mommy… it’s called Hand Sanitizer.  Can you say SANITIZER  Mommy?” Will informs.  “Yes, Will.”

2.  Chris and I were in the kitchen engrossed in conversation when I happened to turn and see only a little fuzz of hair sticking out amidst TONS of stuffed animals the boys placed around Emma Faye’s exersaucer.  She was getting buried alive before our eyes!!!  We would have REALLY gotten upset had we not heard cackles from underneath the polar bear. 

3.  When you walk into our bedroom if you look down on the wall beside our door… Will has drawn a heart in permanent magic marker.  I’m just going to let that be a representation of our love for each other…. hee!hee!…I mean, doesn’t the Bible talk about writing it on and around our door frames…. we’re just extremely biblical people…ha!

4.  There are TONS more little things… like we walk around the house saying words like…baba, night-night…..we ask questions like,”do you want to rock, rock”….anyway….lately, one of my favorites was the other night while Chris was packing a little supper to take and eat at work during the middle of the night, to sort of get him through….I was using this little plastic fork thing that he usually takes… and he says,”Hey, don’t use that one!  That’s my night-night fork.”  We just started laughing.  The sad thing is I knew exactly what he meant.

Yes, it’s crazy, but Will gave me a very beautiful and new perspective on things.  Will and Josh were sitting in the kitchen coloring while I was feeding Emma Faye her bottle the other day.  They came running towards me and from a distance I didn’t need to ask why they were running with such delight and anticipation as to what I would think of their new artworks.  THEY were their artworks.  They had drawn ALL OVER THEMSELVES!  When they reached me.. I just said, “You guys are a MESS!”  Will immediately replied..”but aren’t we so colorful!”  I just laughed.  YES!!!  YOU ARE COLORFUL!!  That’s what we are Will….we aren’t a mess…we are colorful!

So there you have it.  When you think things are getting out of control…..you’re not messy… you’re not crazy… you’re COLORFUL.  We all need our different colors in attitudes and moods… We NEED our different blue and purple days to contrast with the yellow and orange ones.  God knew what he was doing when He created the rainbow—Just like He knew what He was doing when he created our families.  They just wouldn’t be the beauties they are if they were all one color.  Embrace your colors girls!!!  Speaking of… I hear neon is the new COLOR this season in spring fashion……….. I’m gonna get my “hot pink on”…it’ll go really well with my new green pantsuit(one day, I’ll blog my green pantsuit story)……peace out sistas!  

Alas, we are finishing up our last week in this HORRIBLE MONTH!!  Oh, my goodness!!  (I’m trying to get into the habit of saying oh my goodness.. because yesterday Josh dropped his paci and yells in a gasp (exactly like me)….”Oh my gosh!  Oh my gosh!!!”–yeah, not too good.) Anyway, so Chris begins his last stretch of nights…. I feel like we’ve been running our own little race and we are so mangled here at the end.  We’ve been sick with stomach viruses, flu-like illnesses, colds, teething (well, just Emma Faye… not me or Chris..ha!), and finally Sunday morning I woke up with chills and a SUPER DUPER Sinus (i say infection… but doctor husband..who got the same thing on Monday… does not call it that…just a little disclaimer for his sake.)  I was just running on the treadmill the other day… well..several days ago being that we’ve been so sick… anyway and I remember I started out GREAT…. listening to my music… gettin’ my groove on… keeping up the pace….eventually.. by the end of my time… my thigh muscles were twitching… I was running out of breathe… and my calves were starting to ache… Well, that’s us… We’re tired, achy, grumpy and in DIRE need of a break… so this week is the last little stretch…..and praise the Lord He has been able to hold our heads above water so far.  Without Him… we literally would have all drowned!

i was sharing with my bible study group today that we’ve just really been a mess.  And of course once I got that sentence out of my mouth I completely lost it emotionally in front of them… they got the Jenny in tears…..but it’s so true.  I was just thinking.. you know, I write all of this stuff on here and God has used it to encourage so many of you…. I just wanted to write that I’m learning as I go… just like you all.  The Devil  ALWAYS tells me that everyone else around me has it together and I’m the only one that has issues handling everything on my plate… and well…. NEVER THINK THAT OF ME!  I’m a mess… and we are a mess this month… and I’ll be glad when this month is over…

Chris has essentially one day off a week these past weeks and it’s on Monday.  Well, Monday he was sick with the same thing that I was still sick with.  We felt HORRIBLE.  We were both thinking and we couldn’t remember a time where we were sicker than our kids.  And ladies… it just doesn’t make for a pretty sight.  Well, Emma Faye had the same thing as well… so basically yesterday looked like this….. Me rocking Emma Faye (laying like a slug in my arms)….snot pouring from every opening in our faces…Chris on the couch halfway asleep and Will and Josh pretty much had the remote control.  It’s amazing how when necessity dictates…how incredibly lenient you become with what the kids watch on TV.  I remember the Disney channel suddenly announced…”It’s MOVIE time MONDAY!!!”…. Chris was like “sweet!’  I was like…well we’ll have to see what it is.  The title appeared….”The Land Before Time IX”  Chris immediately says, “Well, it must be really good if it has a ninth sequel.”  I just laughed.  In the first scene this lightening bolt strikes a tree and it literally falls on this dinosaur and appears to kill him.  I was about to open my mouth and say…”hmmm, this may be a little too violent.”  When Will goes…”Oh, I’ve seen this… they played this at the old gym” (He was referring to the gym we went to in Charleston)…..I was like… oh well.. already seen it…. didn’t damage you too much.  Enjoy kids… mom and dad are going to pretend to watch this with you while we close our eyes.  jk!  they didn’t watch ALL of it… our Motrin kicked in and we did have SOME family time… but let me say… it ain’t good when mommy and daddy are both sick at the same time.   :)  We put the kids to bed early and were watching “Jon and Kate plus 8″ (ok…confession… we like this show…well, at least I do… I haven’t ever asked Chris…but he will watch it with me….maybe he doesn’t want me to ask him.. for fear he’ll have to answer…hee!hee!)…. anyway… we held hands and at one time we sniffed in unison….  awww… isn’t that so romantic…  jk!  have a great day!

Good morning… or good day, or good evening… whichever time of day you are reading this….It’s morning time right now for me.  J  I am sitting in Starbucks with my new favorite drink…a soy latte…(it’s the PERFECT sweet)  Anyway… before I begin my entry I MUST express to you all what an encouragement you have been who have left comments either via email or on my blog.  I began this blogging thing from a strong conviction of the Lord.  I didn’t want to do it.  I just felt like I wasn’t the kind of person who could really bestow any biblical wisdom…but one day the Lord was like…”seriously.. don’t look at it like that…just tell people what I’m teaching you…that’s all I’m asking…just be obedient to that.”  It has ALWAYS been my prayer that God would use my words (they’re really His words.. I just do the typing) to encourage others.  That really is all I have asked..”Lord, I just want to be used as an encouragement…”  So by you sharing your comments and sharing with me what God is teaching YOU…I am seeing my prayer answered.  Truly a blessing!

“One…two…three……..twelve, thirteen…fourteen!!!  Fourteen mommy!!  There are fourteen bulbs!!”

Will is jumping up and down in our front yard.  He was been kneeling down around our skinny little oak tree counting all of the daffodil sprouts popping up.  He was in the yard when I was planting them a few months ago and it has been such a delight to him watching these things grow.  I have been forcing some hyacinths in the house as well.  All of us take turns watering them and slowly but surely they are beginning to grow.  Every morning Will and Josh will comment on their growth…”Look they’re getting taller…”  I just can’t wait for spring to get here… when all of our colds will hopefully be gone and we will be able to smell their AMAZING aroma.

Usually in the afternoons when Josh and Emma Faye are napping, Will and I do our rounds in the yard searching for all the “new growth”.  I planted some tulips in pots outside our back patio.  I had these visions of overflowing Tulips protruding from my big pots as if on the cover of Southern Living… but yesterday.. I was saddened.  One pot is not doing so well.  It was the pot that I forgot didn’t have a drain hole… AND on top of that.. I had run out of fresh potting soil when I was planting them and used some old soil and dirt from my yard to finish filling it in.  (I tend to patch things like that instead of just waiting to get more soil… I’m sort of an instant gratification person.)  Anyway……those bulbs seemed all mushy and rotten.  They were sitting in REALLY WET soil… I think it was causing them to rot… I also noticed some bugs in there…. “Oh, Will… these aren’t going to do well……”  “Hey, mommy, but these are good…”  I turned to my other pot… the one with the good soil…. And little green stems were extending upward from the dirt.  Gee, I think to myself… it’s been raining SO MUCH.. why didn’t I just bring these pots under the porch so the water wouldn’t destroy them….. but then, another thought occurred to me…. Here were two pots… in the same place… receiving same light, same amount of water… the only difference was the dirt.  Hmmmmm….another life lesson for me.  I suddenly asked myself… what’s in my pot?  Am I filled with fertile soil?  What is my foundation?  Am I planted in the soil filled of the word of God?  Or am I soaking in muddy water…. Am I being eaten by bugs?  Like my little tulips, I really had no choice in where I was planted…the Lord placed me in the family that he did (which are WONDERFUL parents…but so many of you may not have been blessed with a strong family unit.)..the Lord has had me experience some painful situations in my life and has brought me down some extremely difficult paths… but UNLIKE my sweet little tulips… I DO have a choice in my soil.  I can choose to fill myself daily of the word of God….spend time in prayer… choose the company of people who will encourage me on in Christ.  You know, I was reading on the back of a potting soil bag….phrases like…holds moisture, fertilizer time release included, drains well…….were all written to let me know that what I was buying was going to insure the best blooms… the best fruit…  and it just hit me.  Here I was so angry that I forgot to bring my pots out of the weather… wanting to shield them from the damaging elements.  But people…the “elements” weren’t what ruined my pot of rotten tulips… it was the soil. 

It’s going to rain… it’s going to storm in our lives… we are going to have our share of thunderstorms…but in fertile soil…we are equipped to handle them.  After all, rain is good isn’t it?  I mean don’t the flowers need water?  We need water to… one of my favorite passages is brought to my mind…

”but we exult  in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance, proven character, and proven character hope; and hope does not disappoint us because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given us..” Romans 5:3-5. 

Along with the thunder and the lightening and the heavy rains that the Devil pounds on our delicate petals… we are also being showered with the Holy Spirit….This enables our soil, or souls, to receive what we are to gain from these trials and filter out the excess ‘water’… it feeds us with its ‘timeless’ release fertilizer….and retains enough moisture for us to get through a few days under the scorching sun.  We can’t control the weather… but we can prepare ourselves….the bible says that the enemy is prowling “like a roaring lion..” (1 Peter 5:8)….. we must accept that we WILL BE ATTACKED..whether that will be frustrations with our children…husbands…sickness…fatigue…(these are ALL things the Devil uses to wear me down—He’s subtle like that..)….and we MUST stay in the word, in prayer, and in accountability with other believers.  As I pray for myself…I pray this for you all… Let’s make it a priority to equip ourselves.  My bible study leader gave me some excellent words of advice… “During these years… you moms with young children… just graze… We all know you don’t have a lot of time… but just sit your bible out on the kitchen counter and graze throughout your day.”  The Lord’s word will never return empty..that’s a promise…not just something I’m saying… any time you make for Christ… He will bless it… So I’m going to stop now… I need a little filling up to do myself…..Everyone, spring is coming… as you are filling your pots with all the bounty of flowers spring has to offer…..fill yourselves with His words….. let’s blossom together this season.  As my hyacinths will soon flood my living room with it’s sweet perfume…may we, too, bloom and exude the aroma of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:15) in our homes and our communities.

Well, you will not find “chipper” Jenny tonight.  I’m having an incredibly difficult day today.  Actually, I can’t believe that I’m blogging tonight.  But, I think I need to.  I need to gather my thoughts.  Perhaps I may find some perspective somewhere in the dark abyss of my emotional state at this moment.

Today, the strangest thing happened to me.  I don’t know where this thought or story came from… I didn’t dream it…I am NOT calling it a vision—too weird…. I didn’t sit and decide I was going to create a story…. I didn’t see something on TV or anything like that.  The only thing I know is that this morning I was reading in Colossians and I was stopped at 2:14 for a LONG time:

“having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” 

I went to the gym and as I began working out on the elliptical machine… the following filled my mind…..

 It was a gloomy, cloudy and cold day, much like today was in Birmingham.  I was out walking in what appeared to be a field when all of a sudden I heard a voice calling for me.  I looked ahead to see if I could spot the person calling, but a dense fog  precluded my vision and it was as if a cloud had descended on the field.  However, I continued to walk in the direction until I was stopped by an enormous canyon.  I called back that I couldn’t cross, but the voice told me there was a bridge to my right and sure enough through the mist, I spotted a slender wooden beam.  Now, for some reason I wasn’t afraid of walking this narrow plank… I remember I couldn’t see the bottom of the canyon, but I continued to walk…hands outstretched on each side of me… balancing with all of my might.  I had walked a good bit when suddenly my foot slipped and I found myself clinging on all fours.  I could hardly see a thing at this point… the fog was horrible!  But I kept hearing the voice, so I continued on.  I was feeling my way along the wood… and as I was feeling I felt what seemed to be little tacked papers.  As I looked closer, I realized they were nails and these nails held attached to the bridge little papers with words.  The beam was slender,  so they formed somewhat of a line… as I slowly maneuvered over them I was able to read a few:  “guilt” “abandonment” “anger” “fear”…..several pages had curse words on them….I heard the voice instructing me to beware the lies…He advised I continue on…Still on all fours I pressed on feeling my way with my hands…I got a few splinters along the way as I climbed over and around papers with “unfit mother” “horrible wife” “ugly”…I was losing my momentum… I was being distracted by these images….suddenly I fell but was able to catch myself… what was this.  Something extended from the side of this bridge…. Oh wait… and there is one on the other side… I get it… it’s a cross… I’m on the cross!  I begin frantically feeling around for Jesus… Jesus where are you?  I begin to hear voices calling from below… they are yelling up at me all of those words and phrases on those pages… I can’t hear the voice I was following anymore… I’m desperately feeling around for Jesus… I continue a little forward and am stopped on the final page “unworthy of salvation”.  Paralyzed by what I now believe to be truth, I weep.   The voice is telling me to get up.  I yell back that I can’t.  I tell Him to go away.  It’s not worth it. I could hear nothing but the voices below and suddenly in a loud crash of thunder, they were silenced and I felt two hands grab on to mine.  I am lifted up and placed on the edge of this beautiful countryside.  It was Jesus.  I looked back and the cross with all the writing on it fell into the crevice.“How will I get back across?” I ask.“You won’t.  Why are you always going back to the cross and looking for me there amidst your pain.  I’m not there anymore.  The cross is gone and I have freed you of your sins ‘having nailed them to that cross.’  You belong over here, with me.  Free of those chains that keep you clinging for your dear life.” 

So now, maybe all of you will think I’m a little psycho.  I hesitated about including that story..but it was just so perfect for me this morning and even more so tonight.  I strap on about a garbage truck full of lies and junk on my back when I can’t get my act together.  When we have months like this month.  I wear chains of guilt around my ankles because the kids have been watching a lot of TV lately.  I tie a bag around my waist that is full of a list of everything I didn’t get accomplished around my house.  There are chains on my wrists because I ate too many sweets or I didn’t exercise. There is a collar around my neck because I haven’t  been cooking healthy meals for my family– if I even managed to cook at all!  And the most horrible thing are the days I cage myself in and am completely paralyzed because I truly believe I am an unfit mother and a horrible wife.  I walk around caring all of these things and being miserable.  I make everyone around me miserable…. and all of this is against the truths of Christ.

“If the Son makes you free.. you are free indeed.” John 8:36

So often I hear the phrase “look to the cross… go to the cross…”  And yes!!!  LORD KNOWS I need a reminder of my deep depravity and all that Christ did for me… but sometimes… I feel like we stay there.  We stay there staring up at all of our sin.  Viewing the depth of our ugliness, weeping  all the while clinging to the cross.  Sometimes I think I forget that Jesus isn’t there anymore.  It is finished.  If I believe in Christ, and in who He says He is… that He was God and came to earth…He was without sin… He died on the cross and on the third day rose again, and through Him I may be cleansed and receive eternal salvation…. Shouldn’t I be able to move past this… shouldn’t I be standing on the other side?   Why do I NOT “draw near WITH CONFIDENCE to the throne of grace, so that [I] may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”(Hebrews 4:16) I have a lot of praying to do.  I am freed… I want to live freed.  It’s like Jesus is standing in my kitchen offering to take all of my baggage off of my hands… can I give it to him?  Do you have baggage?  Is he offering to take it off of YOUR hands?  Will you give it to Him?  Remember He has already  “taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”  It’s gone people… we don’t need to go there again!