Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

While I was sterilizing the bathroom Chris had been “using” (if you read my previous entry you will understand what I mean by ‘using’), I was listening to Will singing at the top of his lungs one of my favorite Switchfoot songs….”This is your life… are you WHO YOU WANNA BE!!!!!!  This is your life…is it everything you dreamed that it would be….”  I just cracks me up listening to a 4 year old sing that song.  I wonder what a 4 year old wants to be…I wonder what he’s dreaming in his head about how he thought his life was going to turn out at 4!.  Then again I began to think about myself….the joys, the struggles…..  I still have dreams….I still have this person I want to be…..and it made me think.  Isn’t there always something more?  Will we ever really arrive? 

Praise the Lord not until we arrive at the pearly gates.  Praise the Lord there is still work for us to do… there is still learning to be had… there is teaching to be given.  Today as I was holding Emma Faye my heart was about to burst with love for her.  I love how she likes to hum with you while you are rocking her to sleep.  That’s her… I know her little “fussies”… and I know her tickle spots.  I know how she likes to be held and I know what sends her into belly laughs…..  I have so much love for her…. and yet I turn to Josh.  I hear Chris asking where his little lion is and I suggest his Spiderman suitcase.  Chris unzips it to find about 8 stuffed animals crammed in there…..I know where Josh likes to keep things.  I know that he isn’t going to eat a turkey sandwich even if he asks for it….I know he has to be reminded to go to the bathroom.. I know he loves to help and he gives the best hugs… my heart overflows with love for him…the same for Will… .. all in different ways…. yet ALL overflowing.  I know this is a glimpse of my Father’s love for each one of us.  It’s personal and intimate.  I am so thankful I was given children to experience Christ’s love for me.  Just as we are teaching and sculpting our little “play doughs”… God is molding us. 

Am I who I want to be?  Ummm…..I don’t think so….but I pray today…”Lord, this is YOUR life…make me who you want me to be.  I am YOUR life….make it everything you dreamed for it to be.”

Today has been interesting.  My day started around 5:30 when I heard some puking.  It’s like my body has an involuntary reflex now to respond to this distinct sound and rouse me immediately in my sleep.  It is this sound and ONLY this sound that literally holds with it the power to hurl my body out of bed and up an entire flight of stairs within seconds…..no cross-training or preparation could ever improve my running time like the sound of obscure vomiting in the the middle of the night…perhaps I should put these sounds in my ipod for my 5k next weekend…(ha!jk!)…..Time I hit the stairs I realized it was Chris.  Poor guy… you work with the sickest of children you are BOUND to sooner or later catch something, right?  Well…. he was the sucker this time.  He’s been throwing up all day….we will probably all enjoy his final Christmas gift ….I’m trying to pray up…..claiming Psalm 3….”Lord you are a shield about me…”

I say today has been interesting because it’s really been a normal boring day…but God was given glory today…unlike the ones preceding.  I decided to stay up instead this morning and spend some time in the word.  Things have been hard lately… I’ve been down..really down.  I suppose in a funk to say the least.  I opened to where my bookmark lie.  I’ve been reading through Deuteronomy…..Chapter 6 this morning.

“Hear, O Israel!  The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!  You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you rise up………..You shall do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord, that it may be well with you and that you may go in and possess the good land which the Lord swore to give your father, by driving out all of your enemies from before you, as the Lord has spoken.”  Duet. 6:4-7, 18-19

Ah… a flood of comfort filled my heart.  Though I had forgotten… this was the passage read at our wedding.  This was what Chris and I desired for our life…. for our family.  I was filled with emotion.  The reminder could not have come at a more opportune time…..  Our marriage… our family… our dream wasn’t for peace (although that’s nice)…wasn’t for wealth (although that makes things easier)…wasn’t for the word’s view of happiness and perfection…..it was for THE LORD to be our GOD…..  I love the Lord..I feel like I do in my heart… and I do feel like I do in my soul….  but with all my might?  This is the might part.  This is the season where I put on my armor and I go to battle everyday… it just is and I’m learning to realize that.  I continue to get blindsided by exhaustion and selfishness and wanting “My Time”.  I want to love the Lord with all my might.  Am I fighting with all my might for Him?  Are you?  What is causing you not to care?  My self-centeredness is mine.

I’m going to make myself very vulnerable right now and tell you that last night Josh wanted to pray that “God would help Mommy not yell at me and Will.”  That is where my heart has been.  Ugh…I get teary-eyed typing that sentence…but it’s true.  So many blogs I read are filled with all the “happy pictures”……I have those too… but I have these moments as well… and I have always promised to present my WHOLE picture.. not just the “great shots”….but I share all this to say that last night I felt like I was done… it was over.. I’d blown it….but this is NOT the whole picture.  When Christ died…everyone thought it was done… it was over….but Sunday morning came…..and all things were new.  And because of Christ.. I’ve not blown it. 

“these words…shall be on your heart…” 

I wish I knew how to research this original language to truly understand what God was saying… but this morning, it said “no matter how far you go….my words will be on your heart…..you will not forget them…I will remind you…..you will not be able to abandon me…because I won’t let you.  I have gone ahead and “driven out all of your enemies before you.”…..you are mine…. forever.”

I sat in the stillness of my house……it was so quiet…you know the kind of quiet when all you hear is the hum of your fridge?….and prayed.  I haven’t done that in a long time… nor had I had the desire.  I thought of all of the things that discourage me…the detrimental self-image thoughts…..the conveting thoughts….the lonely feelings….the fears.. the worries…all of the things that keep me from this place where I was right then and I prayed that the Lord would go before me and drive out those very thoughts and feelings like he had driven out the Isrealites’ enemies….before I had time to think them.  And He did.  We went to church…we came home…I read with my kids…I played games with them…I made dinner.. all the while Chris was upstairs in our guest room resting ….but it was ok.  Presently, I am sitting in my dirty kitchen…the griddle still out from our pancake supper….crumbs all over the floor… there are blocks strewn on the floor in our den… a rocking chair is on our coffee table because I was vacuuming up a squished goldfish…..it’s not trash…it’s not clutter…it’s life.  And I can get to that later.  I am learning Christianity is about extending oneself past the “life” stuff.  When we fill ourselves with “life” we truly miss out on the “love”…. on HIS love.. and His joy.

..do what is right and good in the sight of the Lord, that it may be well with you and that you may go in and possess the good land which the Lord swore to give…..

I don’t believe now all of my troubles will be over….but serving the Lord first…with all my heart and soul and MIGHT….this feels good….assurance of His love for me… forever forgiveness….grace that surpasses all my sin–ALL my sin….THIS is the good land….He is still bringing all of us there and back again.  Once again, I have made a journey and have returned refined.

It’s 6:25 and all is quiet at the Pruitts. I picked my boys up today in Atlanta from my parents. Emma Faye was so excited by their arrival that she took the shortest nap today so she was out with the lights at 6pm…and the boys… well, I tend to use this Central Time thing to my advantage when westward bound….so…today…6:20 to them was like 7:20. But I must say, as much as I enjoyed my break… it’s nice to have all of us back under OUR roof again. There were so many things today that warmed my heart whether they made me laugh or grossed me out. Like when I sat down to use the bathroom and saw something horrendous sticking to my toilet paper roll….then I suddenly remembered Josh mentioning something about having a big “boogah” to which I told him to put it on a tissue… I suppose this was his solution. Or today when Will and I were learning about a “sari” (Mom and Dad got him this really cool globe that he LOVES…you touch things and it talks about countries..dress…food, music….. honestly, and Chris can testify… I’m learning a lot myself… I’m awful at Geography!!) We were in India and I was explaining to him what a Sari was. He looked puzzled and then said, “I don’t know, I think Sari means something you have been when you are wrong.” So precious. My all time “I’m so glad we are all back” moment was Josh’s blessing tonight at the table. “Dear Jesus thank you for this food that you have given us to eat, and thank you for the cups, and for everything that you have given us and thank you for Batman. Amen.”

So I’m not going to fret tonight… I’m not going to waste time…I’m going to enjoy time. I’m going to relax. I’m blessed. I’ve had a rough month…I’ve learned a lot. Here’s to a New Year….and if it’s another year of doing the same thing as last year….that’s another whole year I get to be a part of this wonderful family God’s given me.

Welcome back!!!  I am assuming if you are reading this, then probably things have slowed down a bit and perhaps you are catching up on your blogs.  I know that is what I’ve been doing…then again….maybe I’m the only one with more than enough time on my hands.  My parents decided to keep the boys this week, so I’m flyin’ solo with my little girl.  We have had a sweet week.  I never get to just sit on the floor with her and read book after book.  I’ve enjoyed this time.  Well, don’t want to keep you long… just finished off my New Year’s resolutions….thought I’d include them….this year is going to look different.  I just know it.

 I’ve learned a lot from being a stay-at-home mom.  I have found that if you truly desire to learn and acquire wisdom…..you will find what you are looking for…..even in the most mundane and ordinary circumstances. 

New Year’s Resolutions of a Stay-at-home Mother

1.  Take fewer showers…more baths. - life is so rush, rush.. it’s nice to make time to sit some things out and relax. 

2.  Hang it up.. -in the past, I’ve formed a bad habit of throwing an outfit across a chair in my room rather than just hanging it up.  It stays there until I eventually DO hang it up.  This year, when I’m done with something… I want to hang it up and be done with it.. and move about a clean room.  This life is going to fill itself with new clutter everyday …… you’re going to have to clean it up sooner or later…hang up yesterday’s outfit and move on….

3.  Change my discontentment:  Be content with the unchanging… -no more “changing” myself to fulfil some “ideal happiness” I’ve conjured up in my mind.  Learn to be content where I’m at…in the boring… in the stagnant…. in the ordinary….  and change will follow on it’s own.

4.  Get to bed earlier when possible… -you never know what the night will bring with little ones…. we aren’t guaranteed anything in this life….just because we set an alarm clock doesn’t mean we will get to sleep until it rings.

5.  Kiss a husband a day. (um…mine, that is…not just a random one)

6.  Hug a kid a day. (my kids..again… you know what I mean.)

7.  Drink a glass of water before I start pounding the caffeine… -by waiting a little I may discover I’m not as dependant on my “drug” as I thought I was.

8.  Say it, Pray it.. -before I start talking about how worried I am I better have prayed about it first.  So often I run my mouth about these concerns and get myself all worked up without even bringing it before my Lord…..so if I’m gonna say it… I better pray it.

9.  Bible book before Facebook… -If I have time to check out my newsfeed…I have time to read God’s word…before I boot up I must suit up in His word.

10.  Keep a camera handy and batteries charged… –these years are passing so quickly.  I already can’t remember every moment from 2008…a picture captures a lot…..take a lot and enjoy the permanent memory.

Today church was a bit of a disaster.  I decided to let Will come and sit with me in “big church”(as I used to call it growing up)… well.. he did great throughout the worship part.. but as the team began stepping down he began talking very loudly…”why are they going away!!???!!”…. I had passed him crayons.. pens… paper.. ANYTHING to keep him quiet.. to no avail.  Finally, both of us reaching our breaking points, we stepped out early.  I suppose he thought I was going to then take him to his Sunday School class.. instead we picked up Josh and headed out the door.  Major melt down… “Now I won’t learn ANYTHING today.”  he screamed right in the middle of the lobby.  “Yes, we can always learn… right now why don’t you learn how to control your impulse to yell and scream when you don’t have your way.”  I retorted and swiftly escorted him to the car.  That was church…. what a waste…. ummm, never a waste.

I know I’ve mentioned earlier in some of my posts that we are having a bit of a difficult spell here in the Pruitt household.  I just haven’t been able to “get it all together” this year.  I didn’t even do Christmas cards or photos….It was all just too overwhelming.  I wrote a letter and took a picture.. but getting them printed out and in the mailbox… well.. this year, I think I’m going to just post the letter on my blog….perhaps I’ll do a New Year’s card….. ok.. when did I get on that!  Basically, I’m just having a hard time.  I’ve been sad and angry and frustrated….this has been December for me…. and today as I sat listening to Angels from the Realms of Glory.. suddenly I had one of those “Was that God speaking to me?” moments.  No clearer did I hear spoken to my heart than…..

Your problem is not with your husband, or your children…….Your problem is with Me.

He is so right.  I’m struggling, to quote my dear friend…”living the life God has written out for me.”  While my life is FULL of all of the things I used to hope and dream about… there are still aspects I didn’t want… and those are the ones I’m struggling with.  Why would God put these things in my life?  I’ve been dumping my frustrations on my husband and my children all month.  I haven’t been turning to the Lord and “duking” it out with Him.  Am I afraid?  Aren’t Christians supposed to be happy and joyful?  Do I think God isn’t aware of my bitter heart?

I don’t have long to write today….I don’t really have any profound conclusions or lessons learned.  Only that I’ve been avoiding talking to the ONE I need to talk with most.  I am learning it’s ok to be upset with some of HIS choices for my life….but I need to take my frustrations to HIM.  What are you struggling with?  Are you giving it back to whom it belongs?  or are you taking it out on everyone else?  Our God gives and He takes away.  He takes away in love….. He has reasons… Go to HIM with your disappointments………..