Ladies, Ladies…All the Ladies!!

wow.  my last entry was dated in March sometime.  I was pregnant.  We were in the throws of moving our family and selling our house.  I was homeschooling.  “Wow” is really all that I can say.  March seems like five hundred years ago, especially as I sit and stare into the blue eyes of my precious little 7 week old boy.  “Wow” is the only word.  We’ve had a lot of changes this year.  One of the most abrupt change is that we are NOT moving.  That is a seperate blog entry all in itself.  That’s not why I’m writing today.  Actually, I don’t know why I’m drawn to withdraw into the blog world again.  Maybe because my “real” world has somewhat found a norm.  We had friends over today.  I slept last night.  I was able to take a bath.  I went to the mall.  I went to the grocery store.  I walked around and didn’t feel pain from my C-section.  Is life becoming bearable again?  I’m having quiet times again.  Perhaps that’s why I sat down.  Maybe my “storm” has really been my lack of spending time with the Lord.  It’s shameful how long it’s been since I actually sat down and had a quiet time.  Things aren’t very quiet in my house these days.  But it was ENOUGH this morning.  I came across Psalm 103: 14  and wept.

Christ knows how we are formed.  He knows what makes us “tick.”  He created us with such unique personalities.  He created us uniquely because he sees us as that.  Precious, one of a kind individuals somehow worthy of his compassion and never failing, never fleeing love.  He knows why I freak out at change.  He knows how I can’t run on little sleep.  He is not surprised by my weaknesses.  He created me with weaknesses.  If it were not so, I wouldn’t need him.  He knows me.  He knows my name.  He knows ME by name.  He knew me before I came into being and His precious hands knit me together in my mother’s womb.  (The screen is now getting blurry from my tears.)

I have four children.  They are so different from each other.  I look in their eyes and realize that God has known THEM before He gave them to me.  He knew them and He chose me to be their mother.  I see how He is using them in my life and me in their lives to grow us all in dependence upon Him.  My weaknesses as a mother will somehow strengthen them in their faith.  Their weaknesses and strong wills are strengthening mine.  He’s on it.  He’s working it all out for our good.  There are no surprises.

I like being known and understood.  I forget I have a Savior who adores me; who sings songs over me; who comforts me.  I have a God that not only knows me… but knows me and loves me still.  This truth is awesome to me today.

“If you want me to” –Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

I had the pleasure of opening for a Ginny Owens concert in Columbia during a college rally several years ago.  It’s probably THE MOST people I’ve ever played in front of in my life!  I wasn’t nervous.  Mostly excited.  This was one of my favorite songs of hers.  She’s blind.  Did you know that?  I have grown up playing the piano and I will never forget watching someone escort her to the grand piano and walk away.  Her fingers slid along the keys until she found her place and then she began playing this song.  Just her and piano.  I thought I understood the depths of brokenness then.  HA!  The other day I heard this song playing in the car and wept.  The term “broken path” has taken a new direction in my life these days.  I will be honest.  I’m struggling.

I’m not going to make a list of all my daily tasks and decisions that overwhelm me.  I’m simply trying to reconcile walking through the valley because Jesus wants me to.  I want to know reasons.  I may never know reasons.  I want to hear an audible voice guiding me.  I may never hear that voice.  I want a right and wrong.  I want a black and white.  I must selflessly live in the “gray” if He wants me to.

One of my now favorite verses is Deut. 32: 11.

Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that hovers over its young, He spread His wings and caught them, He carried them on His pinions.

A wise woman once told me to always study the animal mentioned in scripture.  There is always a reason why God uses certain animals to explain His messages.  She said that if you research all about eagles, you will find that an eagle builds a perfect nest for it’s young.  However, when it becomes time for them to leave their nest, she uses her talons to begin ripping at the nest and pulling out twigs and branches, all in her effort to make the nest uncomfortable for the baby birds.  This begins to force them out.  However, as they stand on the ledge and take their first plunge, she is hovering over them making sure they will fly and if they aren’t going to make it, she swoops down at the last minute, catches them on her out spread wings and carries them back up to the nest and the process begins again.

This year has been a lot about God making my nest uncomfortable, forcing me out unto uncharted, out of my comfort zone, complete trust on Christ ledges.  I’ve tried my wings several times and have clearly been carried back to the nest.  I’m not flying, yet… perhaps I never will.  BUT  I know that each time I try, my Savior hasn’t let me hit the ground.  He’s caught me and carried me.  And I suppose, I will continue to take the next jump out……….if He wants me to.

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  (Luke 2:19)

This past Christmas season has left me contemplating this particular verse.  I’ve always thought this verse was a tender one.  I think, now, as a mother myself, I relate so well to what Mary experienced that night.  I have little snapshots of moments that, though they are mental pictures, they are somehow treasured in my heart.  I will never forget the first time I saw Will right after he was born.  I was taken back by his beautiful blue eyes.  I remember his first steps at the beach house.  I remember taking pictures of our boys on the beach and watching Josh’s determined spirit scamper as fast as he could over those sand dunes after his brother.  I can hear Emma Faye, recently, say to me with an enormous grin on her face, “Mommy, we good friends.” And then give me one of the biggest hugs I’ve had from her.  There are so many more.  I’m so thankful that the Lord gave us a memory.  Isn’t that amazing.  People can come and go into our lives, yet our memory has the ability to preserve such images, and even smells!  I’m thankful this morning for my memory. 

But in thinking of Mary, I began to think about how she stood and watched her firstborn son be crucified.  I know I couldn’t have done that.  I, too, probably would have been slain that day.  I know myself and I would have fought my way through the crowd.  I’d probably have grabbed some weapon and began fighting the soldiers, myself- and probably to my death.  How could she sit there and watch?  I kept asking myself and the only reason I could come up with was her faith in Christ.  She knew he was Lord.  She knew He could step off as soon as He wanted and it be over.  She knew these things and she accepted them; she trusted them.   Although, I don’t know if ANYONE during that time knew exactly what His innocent crucifixion would mean, I believe she knew it would bring God glory in the end.

I’ve been thinking about that kind of faith as I’ve been praying through decisions regarding my own children.  I find myself realizing that I can’t protect or prevent all pain from ever laying a finger on my precious little ones.  I try, believe me, I try.  I am learning to trust.  I am realizing that part of their pain and struggle is a part of their story and how God can use that suffering to bring Him glory.  As my kids are getting older, I can’t be with them all the time like I can with an infant.  I can’t make sure everything is perfect in their environment.  I CAN help them filter through the good from the bad.  The holy from the unholy.  THESE are the tools they need to equip them for life.  I can teach them to match up their questions and struggles with what scripture says.  These are things that will enable them.  Not sheltering them.  I know all of this isn’t new information.  These are just new to ME!    And it’s very difficult for me to release them to my Lord, sometimes.  (Like I can take care of them better.. HA!)

A good friend in Life Group last night said something that I thought was so precious.  “Children are the only things we can take with us to heaven.”  I know that there are other things.. like our salvation and relationship with Jesus… but I was moved by this statement.  Once again, treasures in heaven was on the forefront of my mind.  Invest in what is eternal my friends.  Invest in what is eternal.

Now it’s 7:34 and all of my children are awake.  I will begin my day.  Lord, keep close to my heart and mind the knowledge that every interaction with these little souls is a divine appointment and opportunity to teach them your truths and model your life. 

Although he was a Son, we learned obedience from the things which He suffered.  (Hebrews 5:8)

Yesterday morning I awoke to a little blue posted note attached to the island in my kitchen with two verse references and Chris standing drinking a cup of coffee.  “I think this morning you should go to Panera and have some time by yourself.  Here, these are some verses I’ve been praying through for your today.”

Now, to someone else, this may seem offensive, or rude; for one spouse to send away his mate for a morning.  But my husband knows me well, and knows that this is just the sort of thing I crave and thrive upon.  Time alone with my Lord and my thoughts.  I was very grateful for such a treat.  For some reason, this week has been a very emotional one for me.  As I’ve been purging closets full of clutter and straightening pantries, my heart as been doing a little purging of heartache as we prepare to move yet again.  Have I mentioned how much I HATE moving?

It’s not really the packing that I detest.  I love a good challenge and I love to make my packing a game and see just how organized I can make things.  (I know, that seems odd.)  It’s the emotional “good-byes”  that wound me.  God has truly blessed our time here in Birmingham.  I have met such wonderful women and families.  I’ve been able to be apart of a wonderful God-fearing, grace-filled, church.  My children have been blessed upon blessed by wonderful friends and teachers.  It’s just been amazing to see how one woman could come kicking and screaming to a state and be so sad to now be leaving.  Here, I find myself.

I’m just overwhelmed.  Exhausted with pregnancy, things just take longer than I’d like them to.  Sometimes I’ve become bitter when I feel like people just don’t understand exactly how difficult things are right now for us.  The stress of selling our house, the stress of preparing for a new baby, the stress of personal extended family issues in Chris’s family, and the stress of maintaining some connection with “real life”  amidst it all is very draining.  I sat in the kitchen one night, hosting my own pity party, and just cried out, “I wish people would understand how hard we have it right now!  I just want one person who can truly understand where I’m coming from!!!”  (Now, clearly, I know there are a million people right now who could line up and give me a talking to about how easy my life really is.  I realize this.  Like I said, it was a pity party.. not a reality check.)  But have you ever wanted that?  Ever just wanted someone whom you know can truly relate?

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.  Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”  Heb. 4:15-16

This was one of the verses on that little posted note.  I think somehow I often dismiss the fact that Jesus can really understand and relate to all I’m going through because He was perfect.    But scripture clearly states that He DOES understand.  He IS one who has dealt with our same issues of being overwhelmed by what the Lord has placed on our plate…”in the days of His flesh, He offered up both prayers and supplications with loud crying and tears to the One able to save Him from death… Heb. 5:7″ .. .  Yet HE faced them without sin.

I have settled my heart of verse 8….He learned obedience from the things which He suffered. 

I am presently in training.  Obedience must be learned.  Just as Chris and I pray about how to teach our own children obedience, Christ is lovingly doing the same with us.  I remember a wise cousin of mine saying, “It isn’t really obedience when you are doing something that you WANT to do.  It’s when you do something you don’t want in OBEDIENCE to the command.”  And according to scripture, even Christ learned obedience.  Of course, he did it perfectly, without sin. 

So, I am in class, presently.  A pupil of the Most High Priest.  I will NOT do this perfectly, or even willingly all the time, but my imperfections and sufferings will be the means by which I grow.  I do have someone who understands me.  I do have someone who loves me and cares and reaches out to me in my pain.  Therefore, I can draw near to Him with confidence knowing I will receive the mercy and grace to help in my time of need.

The other verse on that little posted note?

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. “  Matt. 11:28-30

What I love most about this verse is the beginning of the verse that precedes it…”All things have been handed over to Me by my Father.”

Why then, do I fear and worry?  My instructor, my Savior, my friend, my redeemer, my protector, holds all things.  Surely, I may come to Him and take His rest and learn.  Surely what He has given me is what is best for me, for He truly loves me and understands me personally.  Lord, teach me to willingly accept your plans and walk in obedience according to your commands.

I can’t remember the last time my house has been this quiet.  I’m almost afraid to type as it might wake someone.  It’s eight o’clock and I just tucked Emma Faye into her new little bed, Chris is off to work, and I haven’t heard a peep from the boys in nearly thirty minutes.  Am I really “free” to my own whims?  Is the evening mine to explore? I don’t think I’m had a night alone, or even the energy to think in several weeks.  I’m full of time and energy and empty of chores.  I’ve missed my blog. 

Mine. Mine. Mine.  This is a word Emma Faye has well played over the past few months.  This is a phrase Chris and the boys have dished out and it is certainly one I’VE OVER-PLAYED over these past few weeks.  I finally asked myself the other morning, “what is really mine?”  As I’ve been cleaning out closets and re-organizing for our move, I’ve really questioned A LOT of the “stuff” that I used to consider mine.  So many once valued possessions have lost my attention.  Our fast paced, growing family forces me to reconsider their value.  I just don’t have all the space to house it all.  I have fonder memories from other sources, now, that replace their sentimental value.  I have begun to see how stuff becomes just that…. more stuff. 

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  (Matt. 6:19-21)

I’ve had this verse in my head today because lately I’ve been obsessing over new beds for the boys.  I’ve been dreaming of a new house in Mt. Pleasant.  I realize it’s become a treasure I’ve set out to pursue and conquer.  It’s my new quest.  Something that most certainly has captured my heart.  As I read some information today regarding a house that was for sale, I noticed it describing some damage to the walls, yet had no explanation as to how this may have occurred.  Treasures on earth are temporal.  They get beat up.  They have unexplainable holes in them.  Treasures on earth can be destroyed. 

It’s not the house.  It’s what goes on IN the house.  It’s not how comfy or cozy my boys’ beds are, really.  It’s the care that goes into tucking them into those beds.  I have tears in my eyes as I type tonight.  I asked Will the other day if he’s been sleeping okay in his bed.  I just feel like it’s squeaky and not very comfortable.  He immediately responded, “Oh yes, Mommy, I sleep fine!   Especially when you pull the covers up all cozy around my head.”  That is a treasure that will last for eternity.  My mom always would say that it doesn’t matter really what you have.  If you invite people in and make what you have a home, they will feel welcome.  It doesn’t take STUFF.  I am remembering my Grandma Hill’s den; the carpet, the dark wood paneling, and not a single window… but it’s where you wanted to be.  It was still worth the drive the go and sit in that tiny, dark den because she was there.  I suppose the love of Christ TRULY makes all things new and beautiful.

As I’ve been brought into yet another year by my loving Lord, I want to dwell on that which is eternal.  I want to be content in what He’s given me NOW.  I want to do my best with what He’s given.  I want to embrace His timing and not live in a future mindset based on my own calculations and predictions.  I want my 2010 to be a storing up for heaven’s closets that never need ‘cleaning out’.  Everything perfectly placed.  Not in huge boxes, but little ones.  Just the little things I was able to do to bring glory to my Heavenly Father… like pulling the covers up “all cozy” around a little precious blue-eyed boy’s head.  I want to make time for THOSE things and I want my heart to be in them, as well.